prepare for miracles
tonight i'm afraid, and also, highly aware of magick.
it’s been a heavy week over here.
i’ve been afraid. my electric account and i go way back. for years, it’s been something i haven’t been able to tackle completely, not for not trying, but… well, if you live in New York state, you’re likely familiar with the outrageous electric bills we’ve been faced with.
days ago, a man whose face i know all too well slapped a notice on my front door’s window to let me know: i have 72 hours to pay the full balance on my account.
$5000.
let me fill you in: i spent years as a stay at home mom. one baby was born with a rare congenital heart condition (HLHS). 5 years later, and i couldn’t stay another day in my marriage. i asked him to leave. suddenly, i had to figure some things out. and i have, to some degree.
but it has not been an easy road, by any means.
my poetry business has definitely gained some momentum locally, but is it paying my giant electric bills each month? not quite yet.
do i feel like it will? i do. i do. i do.
i’m in school (online) full time for stenography. i homeschool 2 of my 4 kids. and i’m here, writing to whomever might read this, still trying to figure out exactly what i’m doing here.
but as of this moment, as i write this, can i tell you, substack/internet stranger-friends, that i am afraid? i don’t know how i’m going to do this.
and yet.
and yet.
and yet.
i am deeply aware that Divine is in constant communication with me, sending me signals of Love, reminding me that Now is Now and i can still take a deep breath and i can still expect a miracle and i can still take a small action that might lead to a big way out, and i can still, i can still, i can still..
i am afraid and i am open.
i am afraid and i am choosing to be okay with it and i’m choosing to know that anything can change at any moment.
and when i really get down to the moment? when i really get down to where my inhale and exhale collide? right in that gap, i am not afraid. right in that gap, i know fear is eaten whole by Love itself. or prayer. or knowing. or .. whatever it is that speaks to me from the inside rooms of my heart and says to me, when i’m really listening: prepare for miracles. make the conditions for magick.
and so i do.
